OMGGGGG EVERYONE SAY GRANDMA’S BIRTHDAY CAKEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
You need to know what to do if this happens to you – otherwise you’re going to look stupid and it’s going to be immortalized in some section of the Facebook data center. No amount of Instagram filtering or defensive “Haha I soooo wasn’t ready for this pictureeee <3” posts in the comment section will save you from this embarrassment. Let’s face it – you can’t have this, because the only thing that surpasses the number of hours you’ve spent looking at Facebook pictures of yourself are the hours you’ve spent crying in the mirror with Crest White Strips on your chompers. Stop crying, get a hold of yourself. You’re an adult. And that’s who this is for, adults – or someone around my age who’s still just pretending. Here is how not to look like a total dope when the local idiot shutterbug has to feed their demons.
1. You Aren’t In a Gang, So Don’t Do Anything Stupid With Your Hands. Idiot.
How many times have you seen someone on Facebook, or Twitter, or Instagram, or some other center for vanity making a gesture with their hands in a picture? Even if your answer is one, that’s too many and you need to unfriend that person right this instant. Your hands are always in the way when it comes to pictures – they always seem to require some kind of extra attention during the awkward three to five seconds between the camera being pulled out and everyone deciding who they can or can’t put their arms around. Of course, like the title mentions, there are also the urges to throw up some kind of gang sign, peace sign, point at someone, point at something, or whatever other immature setting you can twist your fingers and thumbs into. How about, instead of all this struggle and over thinking, just hold your beer, put one hand in your pocket or around your buddy/girlfriend/boyfriend/nearest chair and smile like you mean it. It’s easy, and you won’t have to untag yourself tomorrow morning while the running of the bulls takes place in your cerebral cortex. You’ll thank me.
2. The Duck Face: Only Cool If We’re Playing the Opposite Game.
I’m genuinely ashamed that I have to include this. You aren’t hotter with your duck face on. You don’t kiss anyone with your lips puckered like that. It’s just stupid, and stupid girls do that. Don’t be a stupid girl, or Pink will write a song about you before she continues fading into obscurity. There is an entire slice of internet pie dedicated to finding and rudely commenting on duck face photos. I mean, just do a Google search, and let me know how many times you see a positive spin on duck face. Is there a positive spin? What would thus unicorn of a spin look like? In some bizarre-o world, you could maybe spin duck face into some sort of representation of your youth, or maybe pass it off as a trend of the time – neither of which are true, making you a duck faced liar. Just don’t, don’tdon’tdon’tdon’tdon’t.
3. Don’t Be Shy About Touching The Opposite Sex.
Harder than it seems. Heh, sorry, snuck a boner joke in there. But honestly, a lot of people, both sexes, have trouble deciding things like where does this hand go? shoulder? Waist?! Oh my, how provocative a waist-hand would be in this photo. Imagine the FB comments. Me-oh-my. How much pressure should I apply? Do I wait for this other person to dictate what hand action we should be taking?
If you claim to have never wondered these things, either in your youth or more recently, you’re a liar. Not only are you a liar, though, you’re the kind of liar everyone hates. The lies-about-smoothness-with-the-opposite-sex liar. Instead, let me tell you what to do with your hands in a photo with a member of the fairer (or hairier, if you’re a woman reading this) sex. Guys, waist level, pinky finger on the belt, and no lower you little pervert. The camera should be able to see or almost see your finger tips around the side your hand is on. Ladies, do whatever you want because guys are pigs and no matter where your hands are we’re claiming we made it to second base and that’s all there is to it.
Now, go forth and touch each other in pictures, and all that.
4. Don’t Practice Smiling
People who practice their smile, first and foremost, are idiots. Don’t practice that. Your smile is best when you are naturally and genuinely enjoying a moment. This isn’t what you’re doing when you’re dropping it to Smack That in your washroom. Trust me. Just smile regularly like a normal person and enjoy the goddamn picture. This one time, in university, my roomie and I were creeping out some girl’s Facebook and he made a stout observation. You notice she looks the same in every picture? Ya, I did notice, because she’s preparing for pictures like Heath Ledger prepared for Batman. Too Much. This particular girl also looked the same direction in every photo, which is a pleasant seaway into my next and final point.
5. No Jockeying For Position.
Ever. I don’t care if there is a zit big enough to get the planetary vote before Pluto does – you stand there, zit out, and you smile like you goddamn mean it. No omgggg I’ll be on the other side hehehehe its my good side! Not only is it not mature, it’s annoying and everyone knows exactly why you’re doing it – they’ve seen the Facebook photo library, they know you have a zit, or a crooked tooth, or a butt-chin, or whatever is stopping you from being a confident adult. Cut it out. You aren’t fooling anyone, and Jesus Christ, isn’t it hard enough to keep a group of 4 or more people in one spot for a picture as it is? We don’t need to play Jenga with the people and hope the proverbial tower stands long enough for the flash to go off. Plus, INSTAGRAM – that shit will make you pretty, no problem.